There are things I would love the world to know about me but for some reason, I have faked it to make it so long that being transparent with people has become near impossible with the walls I put up around me.
Post partum depression...I always heard about it but it honestly never mattered enough to ME to really think about what it puts women through...until I went through it myself of course..selfish right? Not really, more human nature than anything else.
I birthed this perfect little creature, just the same way I birthed her sister almost two years prior, but for some reason this time just didn't 'click'. I looked at this baby like "wow this little girl is so sweet and beautiful, but she doesn't feel like mine".
You know the lump you get in your throat when you want to cry, but your emotions are clearly past tears, that lump when you feel embarrassed or scared,? That's how I felt for the first FOUR months my second born daughter was alive.
Did I feel guilt? Of course I did!I was able to look at my two year old and feel a sense of home, like her and I were exactly the way we were supposed to be and we belonged together. Then I looked at her little sister who is equally as incredible and I felt numb. After feeling numb I would just feel like a pile of shit for hours.
I did all of the necessary caring tasks that any baby needs; I nursed her, bathed her, kissed her and loved on her. SHE has always felt the love, regardless if I did have to fake it to make it for four devastatingly long months. Like what asshole mom would feel the way I felt about my babe, or the lack of what I felt?
Funny thing is -- there are SOO many moms that go through this and the one thing we need to be reminded is we are NOT assholes and we are NOT alone.
This is a chemical/hormonal imbalance that is not NEARLY talked about enough and it makes us moms feel inferior to what starts to look like the Stepford Moms out there.
It's easy to beat ourselves up wondering why it looks so easy for everyone else.When we finally choose to admit to ourselves and everyone around us that we are suffering from postpartum depression, we can finally find the support network to help us while we get through it.
We will still get looks like we are crazy from some people that simply just don't understand, and that's OK. I'm not here to impress or explain myself to the moms who haven't suffered from postpartum depression, I'm here to speak up for the moms who HAVE and for the moms who unfortunately will suffer in the future. It isn't a failing and it can happen to anyone.
I'm not perfect and sometimes if I look from an outsiders view, the facade I put on for the past 5 months before I got help could probably win an Emmy Award with the acting skills I had to learn to pretend everything was all right.
Now that I'm better and out of that dark place, I can't even begin to describe my love for my second born, it's now almost unfathomable to think about what it was like before she was here. When my first born taught me patience (LOL), my second born is doing serious work on my heart. Now I do feel the saying is true, "Babies really do pick their parents" ❤️
If you find yourself going through this, give yourself time, self-care and a lot of patience, and be honest to those who care about you - like me, you will find you're not as alone as you thought you were.
I WAS FEATURED!
and
Thanks for this, I needed it today. I had postpartum anxiety after my first but the heavy depression side after my 2nd. He's 5 months old not and some days I feel like I'm coming out of it and some days I don't. I feel like I need to write a post about it, partly because I find writing theraputic and partly because it's important for us to talk about it so that maybe another mother will find it on a day she needs it, just like you did for me today <3
ReplyDeleteI never heard that saying, babies choose their parents. That's cute. I agree, PPD is not talked about enough, especially the signs and symptoms. I have heard of that one a lot but another common one not discussed much is postpartum rage, also part of PPD, geared towards the partner, and toddler or older children (usually being naughty in the first place but not to level of anger it often stirs up in you). PPD can be scary to wonder why you are feeling like this and so hopeless. I would add SEE YOUR DOCTOR! They can help, if not by medication then by suggesting other things or people who can. Thanks for being brave and writing about it. We moms have to stick together and support each other.
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ReplyDeleteI know what this is like. I had some PPD after Baby Boy was born. It was awful. And I carried some guilt around it for a big chunk of his life. I've only more recently been able to talk about it more openly with a couple people. I'm glad I have. And I'm glad you are finding that space for yourself as well :mom hugs: :)
ReplyDeleteWow...I feel so fortunate not to have gone through this but so many moms can benefit from you sharing your story! It must have been difficult but I'm so glad that you were able to get past it! Thanks so much for sharing your story at Share The Wealth Sunday!
ReplyDeletexoxo
Lisa
Thank you all for taking the time to read my blog post and I'm so glad that us moms are not alone in this struggle. I highly suggest seeking help from a Doctor if your PPD feels out of control and never for a second feel like a failure. We are super women with invisible capes. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you are being transparent and helping other young moms! It is such a common problem that still carries shame. It is getting better than it was even 10 years ago when I was having babies, but not yet where it needs to be. You are blazing a path, Mighy Mama Warrior! :-)
ReplyDeleteBlessings and smiles,
Lori
My baby is now 28 years old but I still reflect back sometimes on the post postpartum depression I went through after she was born. I was so excited to have her in my life and yet had no control over the depression which was so overwhelming at the time. Thanks for sharing your story with us at Merry Monday. So many new Mom's have the experience but don't share.
ReplyDeleteIt is brave of you to write about it. I do not children, but it must be a deep struggle to go through it.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing it on #TipTuesday. Really appreciated.
Thank you for sharing your story with us at Brag About It! Very important for all moms, new and old to watch for signs and to admit they may need some help. I suffered from some form of depression after the birth of my 4th child, but I had also recently lost a brother. I look back now and wish I would have spoken to someone about it and gotten some help. It was over a year before I really started to feel like myself again, and much longer before I realized that what I had gone through was a form of depression.
ReplyDeleteIt takes a very strong person to share something like this. I applaud you and I know that this will help someone who is facing this and may think they're alone. Great post. Thanks so much for joining us for #MeanderingMondays make sure you visit us soon! Have a great weekend!!
ReplyDeleteIt takes a very strong person to share something like this. I applaud you and I know that this will help someone who is facing this and may think they're alone. Great post. Thanks so much for joining us for #MeanderingMondays make sure you visit us soon! Have a great weekend!!
ReplyDeletethank you for sharing your story and also your gorgeous family. It is such a difficult time and also the best time. You are right that one is not alone although sometimes it is hard to remember that. Thank you Chelsea for helping other mums in the same position and sharing with us at #WednesdaysWisdom
ReplyDeleteI love your authenticity. I too have gone through this. Thank you for sharing #LadiesCollectiveLinkup
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your post. Postpartum depression is very real and it is an important topic that should be discussed. Thanks for sharing at #MeanderingMondays.
ReplyDeleteSuch an important topic that a lot of women don't talk about as much as it should be. It can completely encompass and hinder not just the mother's life but everyone around her. Glad you found your way out. Love this post and your authenticity. Thanks for sharing @ Healthy Living Link Party.
ReplyDeleteI am glad that everyone is recognizing postpartum depression. I can certainly see how this can happen and I am sure it happened to me also.
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