There are things I would love the world to know about me but for some reason, I have faked it to make it so long that being transparent with people has become near impossible with the walls I put up around me.
Post partum depression...I always heard about it but it honestly never mattered enough to ME to really think about what it puts women through...until I went through it myself of course..selfish right? Not really, more human nature than anything else.
I birthed this perfect little creature, just the same way I birthed her sister almost two years prior, but for some reason this time just didn't 'click'. I looked at this baby like "wow this little girl is so sweet and beautiful, but she doesn't feel like mine".
You know the lump you get in your throat when you want to cry, but your emotions are clearly past tears, that lump when you feel embarrassed or scared,? That's how I felt for the first FOUR months my second born daughter was alive.
Did I feel guilt? Of course I did!
I was able to look at my two year old and feel a sense of home, like her and I were exactly the way we were supposed to be and we belonged together. Then I looked at her little sister who is equally as incredible and I felt numb. After feeling numb I would just feel like a pile of shit for hours.
I did all of the necessary caring tasks that any baby needs; I nursed her, bathed her, kissed her and loved on her. SHE has always felt the love, regardless if I did have to fake it to make it for four devastatingly long months. Like what asshole mom would feel the way I felt about my babe, or the lack of what I felt?
Funny thing is -- there are SOO many moms that go through this and the one thing we need to be reminded is we are NOT assholes and we are NOT alone.
This is a chemical/hormonal imbalance that is not NEARLY talked about enough and it makes us moms feel inferior to what starts to look like the Stepford Moms out there.
It's easy to beat ourselves up wondering why it looks so easy for everyone else.
When we finally choose to admit to ourselves and everyone around us that we are suffering from postpartum depression, we can finally find the support network to help us while we get through it.
We will still get looks like we are crazy from some people that simply just don't understand, and that's OK. I'm not here to impress or explain myself to the moms who haven't suffered from postpartum depression, I'm here to speak up for the moms who HAVE and for the moms who unfortunately will suffer in the future. It isn't a failing and it can happen to anyone.
I'm not perfect and sometimes if I look from an outsiders view, the facade I put on for the past 5 months before I got help could probably win an Emmy Award with the acting skills I had to learn to pretend everything was all right.
Now that I'm better and out of that dark place, I can't even begin to describe my love for my second born, it's now almost unfathomable to think about what it was like before she was here. When my first born taught me patience (LOL), my second born is doing serious work on my heart. Now I do feel the saying is true, "Babies really do pick their parents" ❤️
If you find yourself going through this, give yourself time, self-care and a lot of patience, and be honest to those who care about you - like me, you will find you're not as alone as you thought you were.
I WAS FEATURED!